Insecurities

Hello everyone it's Danielle Tuesday with your host Danielle frantic because it's 9pm and she hasn't done the rest of her homework yet because she got distracted by the internet once again. Thank feck for Study. *cheesy 90s opening sequence*

Housekeeping

Aoife and Orla, your punishments by the end of this week, yes? Failure to comply will result to another punishment. :D Try your best to document it! It should be super interesting.

I hope you're all doing okay in the first week of school. It has been quite draining for me but it totally pays off because I'm currently on top with both learning and homework and it feels good not to be panicking when there's a surpise test or when the teacher decides to ask questions around in class. Well, until tonight anyway. I gotta hurry up!

So I pretty much agree with everything that was said about last week's theme, but I totally resonated the most with Orla's post, but maybe in a different way than she inteneded? I get what you mean with worrying that you'll miss school and are going to have like 3835 years' worth of work to catch up to. I mentioned this in one of my posts in my personal blog but I really felt like something changed this year. Maybe it's just myself, that I'm more focused with my work because I have something that I want to achieve in the end of sixth year. But I also feel it in the atmosphere in the classes I'm in, and in the seriousness of people when they're inside the classroom. Is it just me? Maybe. But I think that's what's causing me to become anxious and worried in the mornings before I go to school. It's the thought of everyone upping their game and I feel like I will get left behind.

And that is a great segué for this week's theme.

Theme of the Week: Insecurities

I'm short. This isn't a secret. I've spent most of my life so far literally looking up to people to be able to hold a conversation with them. But the thing about being insecure about your height is that you can't do anything about it, which gives you equal amounts of frustration and acceptance in most days. In some days,which happens quite a lot recently I've noticed, you see and exagerrate the bad things about being short more.

So I've mentioned feeling anxious and worried because everyone is a lot more serious this year, and part of the reason why I feel sick in the mornings before I go to school is the fact that I worry that I will lose the immediate start-of-school adrenaline (the idealism stage) that I'm feeling in this first week and then totally screw everything up after like two months and then I'll have nothing to show for myself and no job and no education and a disappointment. This feeling I think gives me a taste of what college is going to be like, when everyone would probably be too smart for me too handle and no one would notice me because I'm short and insignificant and I would just, like, disappear.

It's not that I see my classmates as competition. It's not that at all. I've analysed myself and I've come to the conclusion that the reason why I have a "big" personality and I try and maintain good grades (apart from the fact that my parents would murder me if I don't) is because I'm trying to compensate for my height.

Hahahahahahaha. That sounds ridiculous, I know.

But it makes sense in my head. That maybe if I'm good at what I do no one would notice that I'm half a feet shorter than they are. It's a great motivation, actually. But it's also sad, especially when meeting people for the first time. You may have noticed that I'm a lot quieter around people I don't know and I think that's because I'm a lot more aware of how short I am and they don't know me yet so they can't look over the height and see the loud mouth yet. You know? Probably not.

And that's why I'm scared of college.

I guess all of this boils down to "not being good enough." I have a problem with wanting to be the good if not the best at everything and I guess that's what made me a Slytherin, but I have standards set for myself, and whenever I fail to reach those standards, I take the blow so hard that I feel a sick feeling in my stomach and I curl myself into a ball and cry because in my mind, without the things that I'm good at, I'm nothing. I realise that this is mentality is wrong. I know that. But that doesn't stop me from thinking it. Because when I'm in that hole of insecurity, no quotes or words from other people or compliments would get me out of it. I just gotta stay there until I'm not there anymore. 

You guys my father is now knocking at my there and I don't have time to proofread or change this anymore so some things may come across as not what I meant, but I'll try and correct it all next week.

-Danielle